So, thinking about Ellen's comment below. I think it's true that I spend more time with Ginger than Spencer, but mostly out of necessity: she can't walk, she can't talk, it takes me more time to figure out what she wants . . . she's still almost completely dependent on me so I spend more time taking care of her. It is true that the worse Spencer's behavior gets, the less I want to spend time with him.
Which leads me to this question: if you have a preschooler, how much time do you spend playing with him or her? How many hours during a 12-hour day? It seems that the more time I try to spend with him, the more time he wants me to spend with him. Today I made a big effort to spend some special time with him this morning (we played Go Fish, did pages from his preschool workbook, etc.); after we'd done a bunch of things I explained to him that I had some household things I needed to get done and that he could play by himself for awhile. I started trying to clean up the kitchen, and he was there every thirty seconds or so asking me to come and play with him. I offered to let him help me, but he didn't want to. I tried explaining to him that I can't play with him all day long, that part of my job is taking care of the house, but it didn't fly. Am I supposed to be playing with him all day long? I feel like I'm his mom, not his playmate; part of my role as mother is to play with him, but I also have laundry to wash and dry and fold, bathrooms to clean, food to make and serve, dishes to wash, floors to sweep and clean, grocery lists to make . . . you all know what I mean. I'm not talking about keeping the house super-clean, I'm talking about reasonably clean and slightly cluttered. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to entertain himself while I try to get some of these things done?
It's hard, at this stage, to play with both kids at the same time, which doesn't help. Spencer is totally uninterested in playing anything babyish and wants games, train tracks, puzzles, things with pieces that she grabs and scatters, making Spencer mad and forcing me to pay even more attention to her as I try to redirect her or keep her away. A lot of the time we wind up just having to stop what we're doing. We've tried doing things up on the table, but she just stood at my knee and sobbed because she couldn't be part of the action. I hope that as she gets older, it gets easier to spend time with the two of them together.
As you know, I don't have kids yet so my suggestions can be completely discarded. Is there any way you could get a high school aged baby-sitter for a few hours in the afternoons a couple times a week to look after Ginger while you and Spencer spend some alone time? Paying a sixteen year old $6/hr for two or three hours twice a week so you can take Spencer bumper-bowling, or whatever it is that 3 1/2 year olds do wouldn't be too out of the question, no?
Posted by: Alex | November 19, 2005 at 01:41 AM
Hey - Amy. I did not mean that as an indictment of you in anyway. Babies do need a lot of time. I guess what I was trying to say is that when I looked at it from Ethan's point of view it seemed like his mommy was always busy with someone else and because he was acting up all the time the only attention he got was negative. I don't think you need to play with him all the time. Maybe try having a special puzzle, coloring book or game that he can play only when you are working in the kitchen at the kitchen table. That way he is still with you but you don't need to be actively involved. Playdoh? I'll admit when I need to get stuff done I put in a video.
It is hard when they are at this age, but they will play together soon! It does get easier.
Posted by: ellen | November 19, 2005 at 07:49 AM
Amy,
It sounds as though you are doing everything that you can. In my case just when I think I have it figured out they change stages on me! You are a wonderful mom. It does get better when they can play together. Some things my kids like playing with eachother are: leggos, playdoh, and painting (although it is hugely messy with my son). I know you have had problems with your pediatricians office before, but they may have some suggestions as far as the bathroom problems. Our doctor's office has a huge educational library on all kinds of kids issues. Good Luck!
Posted by: Meg | November 19, 2005 at 08:27 AM
Does Spencer like to "clean" with you? Swiffer clothes, non electric carpet sweepers, even a Mr. Clean magic eraser seem to keep my 4 yo amused when I am trying to clean (and you know what- it really helps!)
Sounds like you're trying everything though. I give you a lot of credit.
BTW I teach from 9-12:30 am (the kids go to my parents' house) and Jonah goes to preschool 3 days a week from 1-4, so on his preschool days, most of our time together is mealtime, cleaning together, cooking together, or the whole getting ready for bed thing. (But he has recently started telling me that he's "lonely" and needs someone to play with). A few times a week I try to plan a special activity when the younger one is napping, but it doesn't always pan out. What seems to work best is just doing things together that I would have to do anyway.
Oh, both Lowes and Home Depot have programs for kids (they advertise that they are for older kids, I think, but my local stores allow my 4 yo to go), which means a built-in special activity and every kid gets to take home a special apron from the store. Now, when it's time to cook dinner, both boys run to put on their aprons and stand on their step stools. If Spencer isn't interested in helping, do you think a special apron would do the trick?
Posted by: sarah | November 19, 2005 at 08:57 AM
I agree with Meg. Now that they play together all the time I now struggle with how to make them stop fighting over stuff. It is always changing!
ellen
Posted by: ellen | November 19, 2005 at 11:35 AM
Have you ever read the book "5 Love Languages of Children"? It's WONDERFUL! The younger a child is, the more likely he is to have more than 1 love language (babies usually have all 5 to some degree and the older we get, the more narrowed to 1 or 2 we usually are).
When that 'love language' is spoken in sufficient amounts, the 'love tank' is full and happiness ensues. Maybe 'quality time' isn't his love language? Or maybe it is and he desperately needs more every day?
This WILL pass....My kids are aged 9, 7, 5, 2 and what you are struggling with is truly only a blink of time.
The 5 Love Languages will probably help but even then, you might struggle for a short while. Being a Mom to 2 youngsters is as much a Personal Development Course for Moms as it is a developmental time for children!
(the 5 love languages -- physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service)
Blessings my friend,
Stacy
Posted by: Stacy | November 19, 2005 at 07:40 PM
Amy,
Really sorry for the problems you are having with Spencer. We had similar problems with our oldest child. I think as good parents, you are probably over analizing the situation with Spencer. This is what someone finally said to me and the light buld came on. I also realized that the more I played, compromised, etc to make her happy, figure out what was wrong, gave in that it only made things worse in the long run. For my child and for me!
I used to be this very GD/PD parent, but now with kid number 4 I've learned that some of that crap is for the birds. Kids are kids and they are manipulative little buggers. They push our buttons, sometimes just for a reaction, and they also do things just to do them without any reason at all.
I've read all kinds of parenting books and advice, and the only one in the last two years to me that had given some practical, common sense advice on these matters has been Rosemond. (take my AP badge now!) I also have had the opportunity to talk to some older, wiser mothers (talking old grannies here) about parenting and I have to say that while I may not agree with their style of punishments, the advice on children is practical and not full of the psycho new age parenting stuff of the day.
Wishing you lots of luck in finding your way from a mom who has been there done that and has the tshirt.
Kim
Posted by: OnTheFence | November 20, 2005 at 08:51 AM
If you find the solution, please let me know. Quinn constantly wants me to play with her. I feel guilty when I don't, even though logically I know that I play with her plenty and that there really are other valid things I need to do, also. And can I just say that I have no memories of my mom hanging around on the floor playing with me! What's changed in 30 years? :) :)
Posted by: Amy | November 21, 2005 at 08:40 PM
Amy,
I have to echo some of what Kim & Meg said. My girls are now 4 1/2 (Cassidy) & 2 1/2 (Jordan) and tho the spacing is a little dif. than you have, we've gone thru a lot of the same issues. BTW, we also had about 6-12 mo. of Cassidy going the whole day w/out peeing or pooping, when she was about 3, 3 1/2, like you have w/ Spencer. I finally realized that the more i tried to make her, the less she would. I guess health issues might be different w/ boys than girls, but a lot of it comes down to control. We finally just let her go when she wanted, and as far as I know, she's outgrown it and doesn't have any lasting health issues.
Re kids' behavior, like Meg said, the most frustrating thing is once we get thru one phase another develops. Sometimes it helps me to just try to breathe and accept it, and vent like you can do here! Also, one of the biggest problems i've seen is that when one of us is in a bad mood, the others catch it. I wonder if part of Spencer's and Ginger's bad moods are caused by the others'. I've seen that happen alot w/ Cassidy and Jordan (and all other people, too!) I've often wondered how much is household hormone changes - the kids' often seem moodiest when i'm PMSing! Does this happen to other folks out there? Unfortunately, I have no solutions, just roll with it, I guess. I also agree w/ Kim, kids are VERY manipulative, just cause they can be, and the whole control issue. I've wondered alot if we (David & I) are giving in too much to Cassidy and Jordan. No one can be happy all the time.
I remember how hard it was before, when Jordan could just crawl and even the first year she could walk, but not play with the things Cassidy wanted to. I think they are just starting to reach the age when they can play together nicely (some days!)
sorry for SUCH a long comment. Hope it helps - you are really not alone!
peace, Sharon
Posted by: Sharon | November 23, 2005 at 08:57 AM