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November 18, 2005

Comments

Alex

As you know, I don't have kids yet so my suggestions can be completely discarded. Is there any way you could get a high school aged baby-sitter for a few hours in the afternoons a couple times a week to look after Ginger while you and Spencer spend some alone time? Paying a sixteen year old $6/hr for two or three hours twice a week so you can take Spencer bumper-bowling, or whatever it is that 3 1/2 year olds do wouldn't be too out of the question, no?

ellen

Hey - Amy. I did not mean that as an indictment of you in anyway. Babies do need a lot of time. I guess what I was trying to say is that when I looked at it from Ethan's point of view it seemed like his mommy was always busy with someone else and because he was acting up all the time the only attention he got was negative. I don't think you need to play with him all the time. Maybe try having a special puzzle, coloring book or game that he can play only when you are working in the kitchen at the kitchen table. That way he is still with you but you don't need to be actively involved. Playdoh? I'll admit when I need to get stuff done I put in a video.
It is hard when they are at this age, but they will play together soon! It does get easier.

Meg

Amy,
It sounds as though you are doing everything that you can. In my case just when I think I have it figured out they change stages on me! You are a wonderful mom. It does get better when they can play together. Some things my kids like playing with eachother are: leggos, playdoh, and painting (although it is hugely messy with my son). I know you have had problems with your pediatricians office before, but they may have some suggestions as far as the bathroom problems. Our doctor's office has a huge educational library on all kinds of kids issues. Good Luck!

sarah

Does Spencer like to "clean" with you? Swiffer clothes, non electric carpet sweepers, even a Mr. Clean magic eraser seem to keep my 4 yo amused when I am trying to clean (and you know what- it really helps!)

Sounds like you're trying everything though. I give you a lot of credit.

BTW I teach from 9-12:30 am (the kids go to my parents' house) and Jonah goes to preschool 3 days a week from 1-4, so on his preschool days, most of our time together is mealtime, cleaning together, cooking together, or the whole getting ready for bed thing. (But he has recently started telling me that he's "lonely" and needs someone to play with). A few times a week I try to plan a special activity when the younger one is napping, but it doesn't always pan out. What seems to work best is just doing things together that I would have to do anyway.

Oh, both Lowes and Home Depot have programs for kids (they advertise that they are for older kids, I think, but my local stores allow my 4 yo to go), which means a built-in special activity and every kid gets to take home a special apron from the store. Now, when it's time to cook dinner, both boys run to put on their aprons and stand on their step stools. If Spencer isn't interested in helping, do you think a special apron would do the trick?

ellen

I agree with Meg. Now that they play together all the time I now struggle with how to make them stop fighting over stuff. It is always changing!

ellen

Stacy

Have you ever read the book "5 Love Languages of Children"? It's WONDERFUL! The younger a child is, the more likely he is to have more than 1 love language (babies usually have all 5 to some degree and the older we get, the more narrowed to 1 or 2 we usually are).

When that 'love language' is spoken in sufficient amounts, the 'love tank' is full and happiness ensues. Maybe 'quality time' isn't his love language? Or maybe it is and he desperately needs more every day?

This WILL pass....My kids are aged 9, 7, 5, 2 and what you are struggling with is truly only a blink of time.

The 5 Love Languages will probably help but even then, you might struggle for a short while. Being a Mom to 2 youngsters is as much a Personal Development Course for Moms as it is a developmental time for children!

(the 5 love languages -- physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service)

Blessings my friend,
Stacy

OnTheFence

Amy,
Really sorry for the problems you are having with Spencer. We had similar problems with our oldest child. I think as good parents, you are probably over analizing the situation with Spencer. This is what someone finally said to me and the light buld came on. I also realized that the more I played, compromised, etc to make her happy, figure out what was wrong, gave in that it only made things worse in the long run. For my child and for me!
I used to be this very GD/PD parent, but now with kid number 4 I've learned that some of that crap is for the birds. Kids are kids and they are manipulative little buggers. They push our buttons, sometimes just for a reaction, and they also do things just to do them without any reason at all.
I've read all kinds of parenting books and advice, and the only one in the last two years to me that had given some practical, common sense advice on these matters has been Rosemond. (take my AP badge now!) I also have had the opportunity to talk to some older, wiser mothers (talking old grannies here) about parenting and I have to say that while I may not agree with their style of punishments, the advice on children is practical and not full of the psycho new age parenting stuff of the day.
Wishing you lots of luck in finding your way from a mom who has been there done that and has the tshirt.
Kim

Amy

If you find the solution, please let me know. Quinn constantly wants me to play with her. I feel guilty when I don't, even though logically I know that I play with her plenty and that there really are other valid things I need to do, also. And can I just say that I have no memories of my mom hanging around on the floor playing with me! What's changed in 30 years? :) :)

Sharon

Amy,
I have to echo some of what Kim & Meg said. My girls are now 4 1/2 (Cassidy) & 2 1/2 (Jordan) and tho the spacing is a little dif. than you have, we've gone thru a lot of the same issues. BTW, we also had about 6-12 mo. of Cassidy going the whole day w/out peeing or pooping, when she was about 3, 3 1/2, like you have w/ Spencer. I finally realized that the more i tried to make her, the less she would. I guess health issues might be different w/ boys than girls, but a lot of it comes down to control. We finally just let her go when she wanted, and as far as I know, she's outgrown it and doesn't have any lasting health issues.
Re kids' behavior, like Meg said, the most frustrating thing is once we get thru one phase another develops. Sometimes it helps me to just try to breathe and accept it, and vent like you can do here! Also, one of the biggest problems i've seen is that when one of us is in a bad mood, the others catch it. I wonder if part of Spencer's and Ginger's bad moods are caused by the others'. I've seen that happen alot w/ Cassidy and Jordan (and all other people, too!) I've often wondered how much is household hormone changes - the kids' often seem moodiest when i'm PMSing! Does this happen to other folks out there? Unfortunately, I have no solutions, just roll with it, I guess. I also agree w/ Kim, kids are VERY manipulative, just cause they can be, and the whole control issue. I've wondered alot if we (David & I) are giving in too much to Cassidy and Jordan. No one can be happy all the time.
I remember how hard it was before, when Jordan could just crawl and even the first year she could walk, but not play with the things Cassidy wanted to. I think they are just starting to reach the age when they can play together nicely (some days!)
sorry for SUCH a long comment. Hope it helps - you are really not alone!
peace, Sharon

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